Euromillions winner pulls winning ticket from his arse.

One very undeserving EuroMillions player in Ireland won almost €94 million in last nights jackpot draw. There were two winning tickets the other ticket was sold to an M.E.P in Belgium, sharing the top prize of over €187,937,614, the second highest win in the history of undeserving bastards winning vast sums of wonga on the Lotto in Ireland

The Irish winner is set to win €93,968,807 and the undying love of long-lost estranged family members and friends. There were joyous scenes as Ireland’s latest Euromillions winners celebrated outside the family home. Neighbours of the family said “they’ll never be happy” and “it’s too much for one family to win”. Another local resident accused the winners of being “opportunistic”, saying they “didn’t deserve the win” and he “needed the money more than them”.

The family plan on taking a holiday to Santa Ponsa once they rub the win into former friends faces. “Theres more to life than seeing the world and experiencing new cultures so I’m just going to play golf.”

The family solicitor asked the tabloids, private investigators, debt collectors and hard luck cases to afford  the family “space and privacy to get their life back to normal”.

The winning Irish ticket it was sold in Ballymagash. The winner pulled the winning ticket from his arse. “After I heard about those Dublin fellas pulling €7 Billion from their holes I thought why not try to pull the winning ticket from my own arse”. He refuted allegations that the winning ticket was somewhat tainted because he pulled it from his arse.


The recent wave of people pulling stuff from their arses has seen a huge increase in demand for colonic irrigation across the country. People have found rabbits, the 3rd secret of Fatima and the missing link up their arses in recent days, a local Galway politician is said to have pulled his own head out of his arse.

A spokesman for the Irish National Lottery said the win was a “proud” moment for the organisation and that the winners were very “special people”, “They are an inspiration to all who piss money away on the statistical improbability of winning the National lottery and the Euromillions”.

The recession has seen a rise in lottery sales across all games as people diverge from the property market into the less riskier investments like the Euromillions and Winning Streak scratch cards.


About Paul Duggan

Politics, humour, Liberal, Curmudgeon, Rogue. Creator and author of Irish Shades of Grey.
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