Man-flu – curse of the modern man. This accursed plague affects about 94% of all men during the autumn/winter seasons. Man-Flu has also been known to strike during the sweltering heat of summer and can often be fatal. The mortality rate for man flu stands at about 28%. To put that in perspective, the 1918 Spanish influenza pandemic mortality rate was somewhere between 10% and 20% and that infected both men and women.
Man Flu is a disease that affects men only, the female of the species are immune. Leading some researchers and scientists to euphemistically describe man-flu as Adams curse.
The 6% of men that are immune to this plague are believed to be that tiny minority of men who have sex at least 4 out of 7 days a week, have their dinners cooked for them every day, never have to wash or iron their own clothes and have their every whim catered for.
Doctors at the Man-flu institute researching this plague, found that man flu shares many of the same symptoms with other terrible diseases. For instance, the sweating, nausea, aches and pains are not dissimilar to that of the Ebola virus and the deadly River Liffey-West Dublin haemorrhagic fever. Memory loss, not being able to remember where the TV remote is, developing attachments to daytime television, watching the Jerry Springer and Jeremy Kyle shows can also be emblematic of the disease. Sufferers of man flu have even been known to watch daytime RTE television.
If man-flu reaches the critical stage of watching afternoon TV chat shows, it usually means there is little or nothing anyone can do. Call a vet to administer some horse tranquilizers to make his passing less painful and call a priest and have the last rites administered.
The man-flu virus is so deadly that a single sneeze has been known to wipe out the male populations of whole West Cork villages.
Like many other diseases and viruses it can be the secondary issues arising from the illness that will lead to eventual death. The American centre for disease control and prevention (CDC), list neglect, not being listened to, lack of sympathy from wives and girlfriends and female scorn as the being the leading secondary killers of men with man-flu.
What is beginning to worry doctors and scientists globally, is the general lack of empathy and sympathy coming from the female of the species in relation to man flu. Women after all are meant to be our primary care givers? Doctors blame the recent new wave of bra-burning feminism, the demand for gender quotas and more transparent equal treatment between the sexes as leading factor in men having to look after themselves.
Researchers at the CDC list a number of ways men can stave of death and keep the worst effects of Man Flu at bay.
Bottles of whiskey – everyman knows the benefits of a cold whiskey but its powers are immeasurably enhanced when heated up. Take a large pint glass or something of similar size. Pour the whiskey into a glass, fill to about half full. Add cloves, fresh lemon and 13 spoons of sugar. Fill with hot water, stir and dissolve the sugar. Serve immediately. Repeat and drink as required. Doctors recommend a hot whiskey every two hours at least.
Purchase a big bell about the same size as they have at mass. This is important, because, as the disease progresses, the primary care giver (woman) will become more ignorant of your needs and that is when the neglect can set in. The louder you ring the bell, the less she will be able to ignore you. Avoid the rolling eyes of a woman if possible, like Medusa they have been known to turn a man to stone, Or worse still enhance the neglect and feeling that the world is ending.
A hot water bottle can be useful if you are suffering from neglect. You won’t need a hot water bottle if you are lucky enough to have met the right woman. She will keep you warm.
Batteries – in case they stop working in the tv remote. If you run out of batteries then a big stick will suffice, the handle of a brush should do to reach tv buttons.
There is no known cure for man flu, but plenty of rest and having your every need attended to will help with recovery.
So today I am calling The Minister for Health Dr James Reilly T.D to set up a task force to deal with this deadly epidemic. Man flu should be a strategic project for our health services and for this country. What greater investment in our nation’s future then in the wellbeing of our men. It is desperately needed for men and their loved ones.