In light of the recent great news that Cork is to issue passports to natives and ex-pats of the Rebel County and the monumental discovery of oil off the coast of Cork, now is the time to finally declare ourselves independent of The Republic of Ireland.
The requirements and infrastructure are all ready in place for the birth of our new nation. We are the pharmaceutical hub of western Europe, for example Pfizer contributes to erections the world over. This is something Cork people can be extremely proud of, giving men the horn globally. We also have Apple, making iPhones and all manner of fantastical wonderings that can be imagined. Corporation Tax rate is 12.5% in the Republic , I think we shall bring it down to say 6% , just to annoy Ireland’s fiscal grim reaper Michael Noonan.
We have the 2nd largest natural harbor in the world. The Irish navy is based in Cobh so we can simply annex the ships, and that’s our navy sorted. Our loyal troops in Collins Barracks can simply head to the borders and protect them.
The Gardai may be a problem as they are usually bitter (is there any other kind ?) Kerrymen hell-bent on suppressing our Corkness…
There should be no problem defending our borders, those lily-livered Kerry men wouldn’t dare cross them, sure they only ever leave Kerry if they are going to an all Ireland final… Except for Paul Galvin who does a bit of the male modeling now and again. Only a Kerry man would be seen in leopard skin ball strangler’s and call it fashion.
I don’t see Limerick being a problem either they have been on booze since their U21′s won the 3 in a row a decade a go, and looking at their senior side they are still on the booze. The Mongol Hordes I think not.
Nor much resistance coming from Waterford either, they would probably only be too happy to be annexed seeing as there was never any point to Waterford since the crystal palace shut its doors. Poor old Davy Fitz was once arrested once for shaking a cigarette machine, but the Gardai let him go when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players. The Waterford anthem incidentally is Whats Another Year? No bother there.
Protecting our border from Tip could be difficult, they are a county on their uppers lately and have grown to big for their boots. They just love their cattle so much that I couldn’t see them up sticks and coming down to fight us. They Just don’t make them like Bab’s Keating anymore. Tipperary was once a place where the men were men and the cows were nervous.
I will be setting up my own political party called Feel a Gael. But a unity government will have to be formed in the interim. I presume all our Oireachtas members will opt to come home to support our fledgling Republic
Who better than Roy Keane ? While the Mayfield man is prone to the Red Mist descending and shows all the signs of a Nero in the making. It would be entirely plausible for him to nominate a horse to the Senate, his thinking would be a horse may entirely more suitable than any other politicians in situ. Can you imagine him taking any guff of Mehole Martin or Inda Kenny ? If it had been him dealing with the IMF and EU there would have been no bank bailout nor a prawn sandwich in sight.
What better antidote to Roy Keane’s Nero-like temper than Ronan O’Gara ? A cool, calm, collected persona in the face of immense pressure. Always ready to step up to the plate when the pressure is on, unlike say Mary Harney who literally became more interested in getting her hair done, or Calamity Coughlan who thought monkeys came up with Einstein’s theory of relativity.
Minister for Finance
Who other than Eddie Hobbs ? One of the most distinctive voices in the world, he will yank our backsides out of the Euro quicker than you can say financial derivative. Seeing as Finance Ministers, bankers, and traders the world over are speaking a language no one understands, all nodding sagely even though they haven’t a baboon’s notion what the hell is going on. Eddie should go down well. His Cork lilt will be so misunderstood they will think him a financial genius like.
Minister for Defense and Justice
The Rock 4 times all-star Diarmuid O’Sullivan has shown leadership and courage on numerous occasions for our beloved county, soon to be country. So talented is the award-winning GAA star that he turned his hand to rugby, that should come in handy in case any of those effeminate D4 Leinster Rugby types get notions about taking a trip down the motorway and having a go. His defense in such cases proven and his justice always swift.
Minister for other stuff
Twitter and Cobh’s very own Ken Curtin . I know, I know, you’re saying “A Fianna Fáil man.” Anyone that enters into a political bed with anyone from Fianna Fáil is likely to catch the political equivalent of an STD . See the Green Party and Progressive Democrats as proof. But every Government needs someone who is a wealth of useless information that can bedazzle the voters with all manner of statistics and facts designed to distract the voter from the real issues. Arguing with Ken can leave you feeling like that guy that pushed the stone up the hill only for it to roll back down again once you reach the top.
Token Woman Minister
There were a lot of candidates for this high-profile job, Adi Roche, Sonia O’Sullivan and Councillor Laura McGonigle, in the end we plumped for Maeve Higgins. Who better than that gabby comedian’s ability to talk to talk the ear of dead donkey? Her proven ability to morph into whatever character that takes her fancy is a political ability not to be sniffed at. It worked wonders for Fianna Fail’s Mammy O’Rourke, she played the doting auld Irish Mammy for years and we embraced her as such , even though deep down we knew in private in she was Kathy Bates from Misery.
In the mean time I shall be benevolent dictator, some new laws will to come into force from declaration of Independence:
- It will be illegal for Brothers and Sisters from Bandon to marry each other.
- Fianna Fáil are to be outlawed as a political party.
- It will be illegal for non-Cork people to try an impression of a Cork accent. Its tedious and you’ll only sound like you’re from Pakistan.
- Our new currency will be the Langer.
Any suggestions for a minister I may have over looked or suggestions for a National Anthem , and other laws that should be considered, please leave a comment.