Dancing in the dark

Many of  you may have read about Bruce Springsteen discussing his battle with depression in the The New Yorker in recent days.

Men don’t talk about depression. When someone like the Boss talks about depression people sit up and take notice. People ask themselves how someone immensely successful can suffer from depression. Depression does not discriminate against age, race, religion, gender or success.

I have nothing in common with The Boss except for the fact im male and I have been intermittently severely depressed in recent times. I was once described as a “mans man” by a loved one. I was physically and mentally tough. The physically tougher and bloodier the sport the better. I fixed things around my home. I worked hard and played hard. I was politically and socially motivated, I loved my life and those in it. I loved and cared with all my being. Then came the darkness.

My depression was brought on by a sense of loss. It is the things that are irreplaceable in life that really affect us, that sense of loss leads to terrible sadness, loneliness and indeed isolation. Sometimes you become a prisoner to the sense of loss you feel. I have been unable to share my pain or grieve openly because of that male sense of masculinity that tells us that feeling down or depressed is a sign of weakness. Sometimes you deny it even exists that it don’t really affect you because your made of tougher stuff and you understand loss is a part of life. You rationalize it you understand it, loss makes sense. Other times because people need you to be strong for them you hide your sorrow. Your tell yourself your pain is insignificant compared to theirs. You don’t allow yourself to share the sorrow, grieving and sense of loss. You hide your pain from others, you bury it deep within your heart where no one can see it. That’s what we men do we hide it for fear of appearing weak.

Life is simple, it’s just not easy. We eat, drink, try to be happy,we make love and be loved we get sad, cry, and feel hurt. It would seem to me life’s purpose is life in itself. We struggle to make sense of it all, we wail and gnash our teeth at its unfairness. How can something so simply beautiful be so hard? You work hard you try to be a good person and it’s gone taken from you just like that. Through sickness and death, or even the simple act of someone you love walking away from you, the loss of someone you hold dear in life is always the greatest loss of all. Life is unwavering in its cruelty and beautiful in its magnificence.

It’s the beauty in life that makes it all worth while. I have so much beauty in my life. I know that.

Dan Neville Fine Gael TD summed up it pretty well in his article here for the Thejournal.ie on depression  and suicide

The stigma around depression is something so awful. It would be no understatement to say I have lost people I love because of how it has affected me. That sense of failing those I love weighs heavily on my weary mind, I know my failings and know them well.I have apoligised time and time again for them. The once proud strong me who tried to be a good friend, partner, family person and work colleague sees only people being hurt and repulsed at how I am feeling. The darkness I endured pushed people away. I couldn’t communicate properly. Men aren’t wired to communicate about when they are feeling down.

I am not depressed everyday but when I go through bouts people say oh your having a bad day, its more than that though.

Depression, “Is the flaw in love.  To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.  When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection.  It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself….In depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaninglessness of life itself, becomes self-evident.  The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

You can be depressed and still be a good father, lover, brother and son. I genuinely wish people could see that. That is my greatest pain in relation to my depression. People seem to have forgotten im still that person that loves them.

If you love or know  someone and realise they are depressed please try and be more compassionate . It could make a world a difference.

While The Boss I suppose inspired me to write this about my personal battle. These are my favorite lyrics of his.

If I fall behind.

We said wed walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as were walkin a hand should slip free
Ill wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore wed travel darlin side by side
Wed help each other stay in stride
But each lovers steps fall so differently
But I’ll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So lets make our steps clear that the other may see
And I’ll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there’s a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There neath the oaks bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
Ill wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
Darlin I’ll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me.

Finally i want to thank those that have reached out to try and help me. It has meant more than any of you will know.